Wednesday, January 20, 2016

My Hilariously Embarrassing Old Journal Excerpts, PART THREE

Hello! So, I skipped the last two weeks. Why? Let's call it an unplanned hiatus instead of "I saw it was Wednesday at 11 pm and it was winter break so I went back to watching whatever animated show I was watching that week rather than write a blog post".

But I'm back now, since I'm back at school and therefore have some semblance of a schedule that puts me in the mindset of putting effort into things. And I was rummaging through my room last week and found what I'm calling gifts from God, aka two old notebooks from seventh and eighth grade (one of which has extra bits from ninth grade that are extra hilarious). They really brightened up my day and I hope that the carefully chosen excerpts I post here will brighten your day too, in how hilariously middle-school-y they are.

Let's start with a list of problems in my life that I made in seventh grade. They're incredibly vague. I could explain the backstories to some of them but I think they're funnier in their Vague Angst:

"Don't I deserve to get a reward for all my labor? No, unfortunately here is my reward:

1. An 87 in math on my interim report
2. Some fairly lame comments on my novel
3. the ultimate test in jealousy control
4. several lectures
5. pretty bad social class consideration 
6. uncaring, secret-telling friends
7. stupid parents who have this notion that I'm 6 years old
8. stupid library with some idiot who keeps taking out The Sea of Monsters
9. sister with never-ending annoyingness
11. the horriblest wardrobe/musical selection EVER
12. technical difficulties for the rest of my LIFE"

Wow. As you can see, I was dealing with some pretty heavy problems there.
Luckily, anyone who pissed me off was on the receiving end of threats as serious as these:

"She acts like she's oh so cool but she's stupid and inconsiderate and mean and I would dump a bucket of pudding on her big head if I didn't know how much she liked pudding."

Yeah. A bucket of pudding. Watch out, world.

OK, in the middle of this notebook is... probably the best story I've ever written. It's called "[Name of Popular Girl I Inexplicably Hated], the Amazing Bouncing Ferret." The girl in question was really nice and never did anything bad to me, but I was under the impression that I was ~special~ for hating popular people. Anyway, I wrote a story about how she had a dream about being turned into a ferret (for obvious reasons) and then woke up and thought about how I was a danger to her social standing:

"That weirdo, Ariel Kalati. She scowled at the thought of her. She was the only girl in the grade- or so it seemed- who didn't worship her, or even desperately want to be her friend. Ariel just seemed to glare at her whenever they saw each other. Ariel had once tried to befriend her- back when she was a nerd- but now she'd given up. And too bad, too. Now she'd drifted up to that emo-wannabe place, and could have been useful."

I had some weird ideas about how middle school social classes work... I guess I thought that popular girls were like scheming politicians trying to get voters to like them? Anyway, this story is my best work, besides maybe Stolen Hearts.

Oh man... another installment of "Ariel thinks she's good at French":

"J'ai algebre maintenant. Il me faut calculatrice. Tu as une calculator?"

Honestly... I managed to get the French word for calculator right the first time, how did I manage to get it wrong ONE SENTENCE LATER?

Also, to really give you the full experience of reading this notebook, I think you should know that in ninth grade, I got really mad that I didn't get the top grade in English Lit on one quiz, and went through this notebook and scrawled "I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN 100" every couple of pages. You know, in case you thought that my adorable personality quirks ended in middle school.

Well, I'd include some of the horrendous poems and songs I found, but they really require a more thorough understanding of the ridiculous context, which would require me detailing all the nonsense ideas I set up in my head, etc, so you won't get to read those wonderful works of art. They involved lines like "depressed footsteps" and "you only like Justin Bieber fans," so, that's what you were missing out on there.

So that's all I was able to find in these notebooks that makes sense and is funny instead of just depressing. All I can say is, to people who are my mom: When I make fun of my middle-school self, this doesn't mean I have low self-esteem. Oh, I have low self-esteem, but not because I was an obnoxious special snowflake in eighth grade. Me being an obnoxious special snowflake in eighth grade is just a source of endless amusement to me now.

Anyway, hope you guys at least somewhat enjoyed this post. I promise (not that my promises are really worth anything haha) to post again next week!

1 comment:

  1. What do you mean 'was'? you ARE a special snowflake: a unique, breathtaking, beautiful, awe inspiring bringer of joy. Also, I hate all the girls mentioned in the above post. And I know them personally. So, to anyone who reads this: this is not just teenage angst. These bitches were the WORST.

    People who are your mom :)